HOW TO NAVIGATE SHIT CREEK

People constantly worry about being "up shit creek without a paddle." Luckily, being stuck in this infamous body of water is not as bad as it sounds, if you make the right decisions.

Tony Blair KG, invaded Iraq on false intelligence, and was Knighted for being a war criminal. The honours system appears to reward liars and cheats for keeping Mum. He should have been reported to the ICC, under the Genocide Convention.

Here are some helpful hints to help avoid an otherwise sticky situation. "The economy's up shit creek."

Step-by-step guide

1. Make sure you are in fact up shit creek, and not a normal creek that was unfortunately named. The most telling signs are a rather pungent aroma, murky water, and a feeling of utter hopelessness. If these signs aren't present, then you are up a normal creek.

2. Attempt to hail other boats. Many people get stuck up shit creek, and most of them won't have a paddle. Hopefully, someone brought a paddle or has a motor. If this is the case, hop onto their boat or have them tow you.

3. If nobody has a paddle (the most likely scenario) attempt to pry some loose timber off your boat. This can be slightly tricky, since you don't want to cause your boat to sink. Stick to boards located near the top of the boat, and the sides, do not touch anything on the deck.

4. Once you have a board, use this as a paddle substitute, it isn't the fastest method but more effective than drifting.

5. Paddle towards other boats, and recruit other rowers. Since nobody likes to be up shit creek, these people should be more than willing to help you paddle. Insist on using your boat, and once you have enough rowers, sit idly by and let others do your work.

6. (Optional) Resort to piracy, and plunder those in your path. Some people up shit creek are lawyers, bankers, and doctors. Seek these people out since they will have more money. Avoid the poorer looking people, since they are more apt to rob you. The booty must be distributed amongst your crew, a 50-50 split between you and the crew should be appropriate.

7. Once your boat exits shit creek immediately pray to whatever deity you worship. Only by the will of God/Allah/Buddha/Vishnu/Zeus/Posseidon/Thor/Shenron/Nightrider/Chuck Norris/Flying Spaghetti Monster/etc. did you escape.

TIPS

- Bring a paddle. If you are the kind of person who constantly finds himself up shit creek, do yourself a favor.

- Don't agree to be in a Jamie Kennedy film no matter how much you are offered.

- Don't let yourself get stuck up shit creek without a paddle. Whether it's poor organization, a stressful life, or just forgetfulness, find the cause and fix it. Nobody wants to be up shit creek.

- Make friends. Since most people find themselves up shits creek more than once, it helps to get to know the regulars. Not only will their advice prove invaluable, idle chatter can help pass the time and stave off boredom.

- Avoid mutiny at all costs. You'd rather be up Shit Creek than in Shit Creek.

- Visit the Shits Creek Paddle Shop before you are caught without one.

WARNINGS

Beware of pirates. If you can read step 6, so can someone else. This may mean you are not the only pirate on shits creek, so form a large crew and be wary of the surroundings.

Shits creek is in fact a creek of shit. Do not ever touch, drink, or even get near the creek itself. If at any time your boat tips, pray that your death is a swift one.

On the River Thames a boat overturned and nobody made it back to the banks of London, because the water was so polluted.

When David Walliams swam the Thames for charity, he caught a bug and was seriously ill.

WHAT IS A CREEK?

A creek is a small stream or a narrow, sheltered waterway, especially an inlet in a shoreline or channel in a marsh. "A sandy beach in a sheltered creek."

WHEN THE SHIT HITS THE FAN?

This is where the shit is distributed so that everyone gets hit with it.

WHEN ARE YOU IN THE SHIT?

You are in the shit, when you cannot find a way out of trouble.

ARE THEY SURE? - Southern Water say these are essential improvements. But are they? Many concerned residents are of the opinion that the village was already overloaded. Meaning that these works are more profiteering from over-development of the countryside. It's hot enough already without raising the temperature of planet earth more!

SOUTHERN WATER

The contractors for sewage disposal, is Southern Water. Of course they are used to dealing with shit. Shit is their bread and butter. They appear not to care about pumping shit from one location to another, despite the un-sustainability of such proposals. They just want their slice of the brown cake and to make sewage charges for another pooh palace. It's all about profits. We're not sure we'd want a piece of this pie!

LINKS & REFERENCE

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_feces

https://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/shit-creek
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schitt%27s_Creek
https://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/Shit_Creek

MAY 2020 - Southern Water getting stuck into their shit pumping station in Herstmonceux, Sussex. Never mind water neutrality, and climate change. In the background you can see the windmill @ Windmill Hill, a listed monument to a sustainable age.